Moment of hesitation...

I recalled the day when I met up with my supervisor shortly after I arrived back in Cambridge. It was necessary, I thought..although I was feeling really unwell due to a long-lasting flu with middle ear infection causing me to be dizzy and of course the jet lag. But I met her anyhow.

"How are you felling?" she asked..

"Well..not good." I answered truthfully whilst my spinning mind was trying to find where the chair was.

"I understand...how's your family doing? I am sure you must be missing them alright once again.." she probed.

"Well, they are doing fine..but missing them..."I hesitated. I was trying to find the right phrase to put it in.

" Well I am sure missing is definite and part of your journey here..but I am sure you know that we have very little time left here..like 2? 3? months? she quipped.

"10 weeks to be exact" I replied, suddenly finding the seat and finding myself comfortably seated and trying to stop the head from spinning and making clear of what I want to tell her.

The rest of the conversation circled around what I had done during my trip back home, what new resources I had and my "new-found" hypothesis. Sup was happy and heaved a sigh of relief.

" I am glad you are much much clearer in what you are going to head towards. With the resources, old and new-found in hand, I am sure you can make good of them."

Sure I will, I thought.

My hesitation, that moment of hesitation about missing my family..why?

I had returned 2 weeks later than due because of airspace closure and delayed flight into UK. That 2 weeks was of uncertainty with explanation emails flying into the email boxes of administrators and tutors. My babies were delighted that i could stay for another 2 more weeks..but they were also held in uncertainty about when Mummy is going to "suddenly" disappear into the departure gate of the airport. I called the airline everyday..waiting for a good date for me to fly back since it is going to be my last lap and I just want to get it over and done with. It was physically and mentally draining to me.

My hesitation..why?

The missing was beyond what words can describe and this is my second trip back into term (since I return home after every term). I have learnt how to adjust or rather..forced to learn how to adjust..but the sense of missing had decreased somewhat since many unknowns are now resolved and I know that I have friends waiting to help me out when I am back in UK. I also know that my family has been put to the test with regards to my absence and they have been handling things well so far..so what have I to worry about?

It is just the sense of loss..of being alone once again..of having no one to talk to at night or hug when I am down. thanks to IT, I can still skype and talk to mum, dad, hubby and babies but there is no physical contact. That is what I am missing this round..If I had been living alone even when I was back home, all these would not have posed as a problem at all...but all the activities were centered around family and friends, gatherings and outings. So that's where I found the difficulty in handling. It is just Me, Myself and I here.

Whatever the case is, it is the last lap. The last 10 weeks..maybe only 8 left.I must hurry with my work..or I will not be able to enjoy the last little joy of my "Ultimate trip to UK".