Sometimes you need to move out to move up

Been thinking hard at what lies ahead these days.. Some asked if I had reached the mid-life crisis. I don't think so. Just that I feel trampled by my current supervisor who tried to make our working relationship work. But honestly, there is no need to try too hard to be who she's not. We just need to go separate ways when necessary. As I reflect on my working life, I suddenly realised that I had been working for a piece of paper called BOND. Well ok, each bond comes to a quite many pages. I have not been doing something that my heart really feels for and it took me this long to reconcile with reality. It took me over a shower to come up with my plans for the "after-bond" life. Am not sure if it's going to work or if this is the best plan for my life ahead but....NEVER TRY, NEVER KNOW! There is always a concern with financial stability when we think about future. But seriously, it's just a battle between needs and wants. Of course, also what others are expecting of you for their needs. If only things can be as simple as 1+1=2, there wouldn't be these many people who chose to end it all. Unfortunately, life is not a fair game. It is a competition of who gets there first and who has the most resources. It's the same everywhere. My life had been simple from the start and I want to continue to keep it simple.

Time flies..

It has been slightly more than a year since I last had an entry in this blog. As much as I had wanted to share about what has been going on in my life, time was simply not on my side. Let me now try to recall what had happened since the last entry:)

I managed to submit my thesis on time in July. Went for a 14 day Europe trip with hubby who went to bring me back home. We visited Rome, Budapest, Prague and Barcelona. It was in our plan to visit Crete, a beautiful island south of Greece. But the flight was cancelled due to workers' strikes. Ah well, we managed to travel with just 2 trolley backpacks and it was indeed a great experience. From the delayed budget flights to walking on the Budapest streets past 12 midnight with our bags looking for the apartment. But we did enjoy the learning journey despite missing babies. Looking back, we were indeed on a free and easy mode while travelling. A count on the countries we visited since my short stint in Cambridge counted to 6. Including England, we also visited Stockholm with Juvena and Kelvin, who were the best hosts we could find in London. Then there was the Europe trip. Nothing beats being a full-time student!

Upon arriving back home, I was involved in celebrating our nation's birthday - National Day Parade. Usual duty applies and I was most happy to have met old friends and colleagues:) Then I reported to my new branch but was told that I was seconded to the inaugural Youth Olympic Games held in Singapore. That was for an entire month but it was a great experience. Then things started to get back into pace and I was soon back to working on weekdays and busy with kiddos' activities on weekends. Work was not at all easy but I managed to get myself acquainted to the job and made new friends.

Everything seemed to be on clockwork until something drastic happened in the family. My father-in-law passed away suddenly. It was so sudden that I soon find myself supporting hubby whole-heartedly without any fears and qualms about my health. I guess that's what love is all about and the greatness that comes with it. It took us a while to resonate with the passing and we are still living the shock of the incident. But am sure with the support we give each other and those that came from my family, nothing is too daunting. I still live in the nightmare of the entire process from staring at death and acknowledging it to sending the coffin into the furnace. I do get flashbacks now and then and It did affect my well-being. Despite the fact that I am after all just a daughter-in-law, and nowhere was I near to being a daughter, I wore sombre colours to mourn after the funeral, it was all out of basic duty and respect. It was mentally draining to open my wardrobe each day to pull out only black or whites. I felt like I was going through depression but elders at home insisted that it is a must. For your own good it seems. So it is.

Nothing ever came as close to such an encounter even when my work expects me to be emotionally and mentally strong to handle critical crisis. I am indeed not as strong as I thought I am or would be but I always believe that nothing beats your own will to live and to live a life full of happiness.

Moment of hesitation...

I recalled the day when I met up with my supervisor shortly after I arrived back in Cambridge. It was necessary, I thought..although I was feeling really unwell due to a long-lasting flu with middle ear infection causing me to be dizzy and of course the jet lag. But I met her anyhow.

"How are you felling?" she asked..

"Well..not good." I answered truthfully whilst my spinning mind was trying to find where the chair was.

"I understand...how's your family doing? I am sure you must be missing them alright once again.." she probed.

"Well, they are doing fine..but missing them..."I hesitated. I was trying to find the right phrase to put it in.

" Well I am sure missing is definite and part of your journey here..but I am sure you know that we have very little time left here..like 2? 3? months? she quipped.

"10 weeks to be exact" I replied, suddenly finding the seat and finding myself comfortably seated and trying to stop the head from spinning and making clear of what I want to tell her.

The rest of the conversation circled around what I had done during my trip back home, what new resources I had and my "new-found" hypothesis. Sup was happy and heaved a sigh of relief.

" I am glad you are much much clearer in what you are going to head towards. With the resources, old and new-found in hand, I am sure you can make good of them."

Sure I will, I thought.

My hesitation, that moment of hesitation about missing my family..why?

I had returned 2 weeks later than due because of airspace closure and delayed flight into UK. That 2 weeks was of uncertainty with explanation emails flying into the email boxes of administrators and tutors. My babies were delighted that i could stay for another 2 more weeks..but they were also held in uncertainty about when Mummy is going to "suddenly" disappear into the departure gate of the airport. I called the airline everyday..waiting for a good date for me to fly back since it is going to be my last lap and I just want to get it over and done with. It was physically and mentally draining to me.

My hesitation..why?

The missing was beyond what words can describe and this is my second trip back into term (since I return home after every term). I have learnt how to adjust or rather..forced to learn how to adjust..but the sense of missing had decreased somewhat since many unknowns are now resolved and I know that I have friends waiting to help me out when I am back in UK. I also know that my family has been put to the test with regards to my absence and they have been handling things well so far..so what have I to worry about?

It is just the sense of loss..of being alone once again..of having no one to talk to at night or hug when I am down. thanks to IT, I can still skype and talk to mum, dad, hubby and babies but there is no physical contact. That is what I am missing this round..If I had been living alone even when I was back home, all these would not have posed as a problem at all...but all the activities were centered around family and friends, gatherings and outings. So that's where I found the difficulty in handling. It is just Me, Myself and I here.

Whatever the case is, it is the last lap. The last 10 weeks..maybe only 8 left.I must hurry with my work..or I will not be able to enjoy the last little joy of my "Ultimate trip to UK".

If a picture paints a thousand words...

Another weekend without YOU...

Whirls of emotions lived in me since I set foot here..
It pains me to revisit them..so I shall not..
With days to go to see my beloveds..
I shall grit my teeth and hang in there..
for what does not kill me makes me stronger.

Longing...

The longing bug caught up with me again..

Just as I thought I am moving on real well with my studies and living habits, princess has fallen ill. I was praying hard that both babies will be healthy and well during my absence..it is after all only a stretch of 8 or 9 weeks..but the babies had been well and active long before I left and the thought of them falling ill was not on the top of my mind.

They had never taken ill without me by their side. I was most impressed when princess told me she was doing fine. It could be that she had no idea of how she had been faring physically as she could still be up and about..but the fact was she had not been eating well..

I was glad that the books I bought online had all arrived. That should keep princess happy for this period which is suppose to be her downtime. I hope she reads Miss Sunshine and Mr Happy.

I am indeed tired..and I know I will need to have a good sleep so that I can continue working on my summary of readings.

Mummy loves you darlings, stay healthy and happy:)

Double roar!

Double roar!, originally uploaded by Megan Choo.

I really hope I have not been missing out too much on what my babies have been enjoying doing..I can't wait to drop everything and be back with them..though longing is tough..but I am sure everyone at home is giving them the attention apart from putting in my share..

Wait for me babies..we shall do the "Roar Roar Family Roar" when I am back!!